Early Childhood Part 2

One other episode that live with me from the same era due to a fiery domineering mother :-


We were having afternoon coffee and cake, that's my parents me, my brother and sister, they were real little, me being the eldest. My mother's finger got hurt, can't recall how, but all hell broke loose, and my dad, as always was to blame, him being the quiet passive person he always was, and keeping peace at all cost, left the house, as he use to do, walk away from it.
Why I will never know, but at the tender age I was, I went and checked behind  the kitchen door where he use to keep his rifle, it was not there. In tears I ran my little short legs of, looking for him in the bush,eventually found him under a tree. By then I were hysterical, I took the rile away, and just stayed there hugging him, for what felt like for ever.
A bond was formed between me and my dad, that will always be, and a rift between me and my mother. 




I dedicate this Blog  to my beautiful friend Robyn Simpson, who inspired me writing down my memories.:-

Early Childhood. Part 1

We all have them, the early years when we are formed into the adults we to become, those drastic events that stay with us from birth, till we close our eyes. I want to put some of those here and hope others can learn from it.


A very sad memory for me was when I was very young, before starting school, about five years old.
This go back in the early days when black people were still slaves. My mother was a very domineering person, and cruel.
She had a black maid at the time, who became pregnant and had the baby. This poor child was not aloud in the house, was kept out side in a shed, no protection from flies, so she end up with diarrhea, and death very quickly. Till this day I can still see her little face in front of me, something I could never forget, and left an emotional  scare that can never  heal.
I sat flat on the ground in the dust crying, when the little one was berried, it tore me apart, still do till this day.
That was one of a number of cruel events I witnessed as a child, that made and formed the adult I am today
I cannot say I was fond of my mother, never forgave here for what happened.

Shea in Paradise:)

Gosh first update in almost a year, really don't know where to start, haven't got nothing nice to say.
First it was a big mistake for me to come to Tasmania, its just not mainland at all, another well fare island, could be anywhere.
I found people very homophobic/transphobic, you will have acquittances not friends.

I am just so fortunate that I have some real supportive friends on the main land and Canada who made life worth living.
Would like to make changes in the new year if any way possible, fingers crossed, just can't stay here much longer

Last days in Brisbane

Well this is my last days here, bring such a lot of mixed feelings, not the way I wanted it to end, but it is out of my control. What ever family ties there were is getting severed in the last few days. Enough of that, a new life is waiting, and that is what I want to concentrate on, it is much more important to me, than to dwell on the past, nothing to gain in that. 

Start to a new year.

Well we are into the new year full of optimism  and goals, we hope to achieve. Christmas and new year pass uneventfully as usual. Queensland is having the worst floods in decades, roads cut every were, and north Queensland running short on food supplies, down to buy what you can get, not what you want.
My need to get away from here is getting more desperate by the day, just have to start fresh. I have now decided to change my name legally, will do so soon, as it's a major  intrical  part of my journey, I believe.
I have in all my years  never find my self in a position were I can't talk to people, simply because of my action, but then that is me, and it's not a position I ever  want to find my self in either, embarrassing to say the least.
I am now on the count down, four more weeks, and I will be out of Brisbane, leaving beautiful friends behind, but start a new life, some thing I so badly need, and meeting new friends, can't say how much I am seeing forward to that.  
Well have seen the worst flooding in Brisbane with numerous lives lost, and a massive repair bill mounting by the day. The rain won't leave us alone, it's the wet season up here, can expect a lot more.
My name change are now paid for, so it's just a formality, and a certificate. I am relieved and happy getting my life together, and even more complete.

The end of an era.

Today mark the end of an era, sharing my life with some one else for all these years. All tho I have been looking forward  to getting on with my life, it still hurt never the less, but I will get over the teary bit, and move forward. There were the memorable moments, with the kids growing up, that I will always cherish, it was not all bad. Now I have to move forward, and build a life of my own.
I am looking forward to the challenge with confidence, and a life time of experience, and support  from my dear friends, to numerous to even try to mention, invaluable, they are all wonderful and dear to me.  
Today I realized after all these years, that people can be quit different, to what you  have excepted them to be.
I except that I am a very changed person, in numerous ways for the better, and find it difficult to understand the drastic change in attitude, and lack of acceptance, from those closest  to me. 
I do appreciate and feel for my friends who went true similar experience's, but in the end it make us stronger, and more resilient, to deal with our lives in future.

The joys of Christmas..

We all seem to rush around, preparing for the festive season, the shopping centres is a constant push and shove, trying to grab some bargains. It almost slip our mind that there are so many, who will be only onlookers, the under privilege, and those who are defending these senseless wars, started by the war mongers of this world. With the massive push, for freedom of speech, and transparent Government, due to Wikki Leaks, and a big shift already in quite a number of countries, we will soon see a very changed world, for the better. Hope fully we will have a better out come for the under privileged.   
We desperately need it in this country, ea the stolen generation, and the way the family law courts are still operating, tearing families apart.   Then we still stuck with sexual discrimination, that needs to be fixed from the top, if society in general have come to terms with it , then Government  have some catching up to do. 

Shea's Transition.

Ever since a young age I had a feminine side.  My mum use to say, you should have been a girl. Then when I started school, I board with my grand mother and my dads youngest sister, who was living at home, and were taking care of me having a bath at night before going to bed, also said you should have been a girl not a boy.  Well life went on and the years pass uneventfully, had a family and two children, and my TG (transgender) side of course.
Then due to a changing South Africa, because of Apartheid, and instability, we came to Australia. I were invited  too a show, The Lay Girls, that open a whole new world to me. I met and spend a night with one of the members, and leaned a lot  more about the life and journey of a transgender person, and knew then that, it was the path for me.
I needed medical assistance, which prove to be very difficult, since general GP's has no idea, and twenty years later, nothing has changed, very few GP's  is off any help. 
Well I started  oestrogen treatment, that give you breast development, but of cause you will never have the desired effect till you get rid of testosterone. That is what really make us male, or female.
I kept using oestrogen for years. Then I had a bad injury, and blood clot in my leg. Hundreds of blood test is done to control your medication, that did not had the effect it should have. Griffith University were advised and were doing there investigations, found that I had a rare genetic defect, and off cause  your medical history, EA transgenderism. After this blood clot issue were resolved I had a letter from Griffith Uni to meet with a Professor from there medical faculty.  The inter view went well, and there advice was to deal with the transgender issue, rather she than he/ she, cause of the high suicide rate amongst  TG people in later life, not taking care of it.  It was not good for me emotionally, or mentally to live my life as a he/she.
I went to see the Dr who is still treating me now, and she had over thirty five years experience in transgender issues.  Soon enough I were on the right track. Oestrogen was fine, but with out reducing testosterone, you just don't have the change you desire.
Well with in a couple of weeks, life start to change rapidly, You knew within the first week that you are not male any more. All this other changes follow over a period of time, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I became a whole person  not being he/she any more. Your body change to a female shape, every thing about you change, you become a much nicer person, more sensitive, and considerate, and lose the male aggressiveness. You just feel totally different.
Emotionally the change are out of this world, and still remain, still spend a lot of time crying.
Any how I informed my family that I have changed, and are living my life as a female, which  they tried to ignore for years, until  I announced it of course. The results are, I am on my own, except for my youngest daughter, who except me for who I am.    

The end of another week and two week from x mass.  Every week is one closer to me moving too Tasmania, just can't wait, must get away from Brisbane and family, and walk my walk by my self, and be free to live my life. Its been terribly depressing for me here.
Will have  x mass lunch with Connie my youngest daughter, only one in the family who except me.
Has been a very quiet uneventful weekend.

Just feel so sad, a friend in the Netherlands just lost here daughter, 20 year old.  through her self in front of a high speed train. So sad to hear these young people ending their lives.

What are we doing wrong you have to ask??  

Spend another day, chatting to some dear friends, reading all the news.
I got dinner in the oven. Its been one of those days, being so emotional.
Posted some messages to a couple off dear friends.
Had a meaning full conversation with Robyn Whittaker, enjoyed talking to her.